we all have to do better for humanity’s sake istg 👁️👄👁️

A screenshot of a text that reads “the body keeps the bleep bloop bing bong”

Hi friends,

This one’s going to be a shorter one because I lost (sigh) an entire draft of what I was supposed to send out… and the Substack app (on mobile) deleted it. I suppose that’s another lesson learned that I should draft all these letters to you in another place, but I’ll take the L on this one. I guess what I wanted to say was, life is life-ing in a most unusual and cruel circumstance. (I mean this collectively: genocide, an oligarchic conservative coup, a denial of truth and slashing of everything left and right.) It frustrates me because how the fuck are we supposed to live right now?!

The last few years have been a symptom clusterfuck to the point where my nausea and pain are the two biggest features in my life. Often, especially during the winter months, I am scared to leave my house because the cold triggers the majority of my worst symptoms. I’ve had people I love exchange words behind my back about how annoying it is that “people have to meet me at my home” and how sick of it they are. I spent at least three years vomiting after or during work once a month (if it was cold— multiple times) and slowly my pelvic pain compiled with the migraines prevent me from working a full-time job. I am Disabled, full stop with a D and can’t even apply for the benefits because I’m married to someone who makes a fantastic income with more than enough to provide us. I will be fine, I hope. But I am angry and riled up for those who aren’t as lucky, who are disabled and cannot leave without fear of losing their healthcare and routine. Many of my fellow crips (also, yes I can use this term, click here to read about it) are bed-ridden, or on disability and simply cannot afford to leave. But now? Our livelihoods and access to healthcare are threatened. (If you are in America.) Of course this shit is stressful, and of course anyone’s mental health is bound to suffer under these conditions.

Even mine.

---

I made several huge, and probably ill-advised, moves, mostly in silence because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

While I’ve referred to this amongst close pals as my “Hermitage Phase,” a consulting psychiatrist instead diagnoses me with anhedonia, and proceeds to then mark “Major depressive disorder, recurrent, present” in the health record. It struck me as interesting because in the calm of post-recovery, I also had so much time to internalise and ruminate over the ways I interact with the world. And the ways society tends to overlook people with impairments, like myself. So, of course I would have an understandable relapse of my depression, and also lose the ability to feel pleasure in the process. As the US creeps closer and closer towards total destruction, it also has me debating what platforms (if any) I should use at this time.

I left all Meta properties.

My accounts are still up, because they’re an archive. But I’ve deleted apps off my phone, which limits me from using the platforms. If I am on them (through the website, which is clunky with less features than the app itself,) it’s for maintenance, but I’m resting my public laurels and accounts on this newsletter, fediverse alternatives and my own website. To be honest, I’m debating if I should even stay on Substack. I left for a year or so because I didn’t agree with the company then, but my newsletter didn’t experience half as much growth as it did on here. Plus, I came back because the community is fantastic. But I can’t ignore that Substack paid notorious alt-right creators to switch to it in the name of growth. I also can’t ignore that they continue to spread and platform people who are spreading misinformation. I am becoming more critical about where I spend my time and energy, and especially my money.

Idk. How do you all feel right now?

I kind of feel like this:

Jessica Lange from American Horror Story looking forward with the caption “There’s not going to be a return to normal, you stupid slut!”

All of this to ask you, readers:

What are ways you’re taking care of yourself? What do you want from social media? How can we foster that sense of community for people who may not be able to gather safely?

I don’t know. I’m thinking these through.

Anyway, I love you all.

I have a lot of thoughts and I’m processing but wanted to send this out.

Also! For those who are interested, please head to the Radical + Critical Reading Collective page on the substack and fill out an interest form!

all my love and warmth during the rest of this winter,

C x