on a decade with my spouse, in short

Maybe one day I’ll document our love story in greater detail. But, for now, a sweet little missive to get a glimpse into my life with T, my spouse and partner of ten years. (Though we’ve been married for less than one year.)

I often tell T that he is intimidating, and our vast lore even more so— especially to others I date. People I grew excited about often backed away from greater intimacy when they realised how much love T and I share. An ex lamented how much they wanted to possess the love I have with my spouse with me, but couldn’t because T occupied that position. Another envied the security and stability that came alongside choosing to build a life with T, and they let their insecurities grow into resentment. While my spouse doesn’t understand the negativity and anxiety behind these interactions, he understands that our lives together existed for years before any of these other people came along. It’s only natural, especially for those raised in Western society which gives a cisgender, heterosexual and mononormative script for people to follow. There’s a lot to unlearn, and I think that people grow scared of co-creating their dream relationship with their partner(s.)

And… to be honest: Dream relationships don’t exist. The reality of people relating to one another in a meaningful way means that each individual has their own interests and needs to decide where to give way and how to stand ground when necessary. After a decade, we’ve learned how to bend to the other’s whims, and to adjust accordingly.

Something unique about T is that out of all of my partners, he’s the only one who, when prompted and asked what it’s like to love me, responds, “Loving you is hard.” Everyone else I’ve dated talks about how easy it is to fall in love with me and how rewarding it is— I don’t want to brag, but I think I’m a generous and giving partner. However, T notes that it’s easy to fall in love with anyone you’re excited about! And how the process feels easy, but is anything but. I want to acknowledge that we are privileged, have a high level of enmeshment and have built and will continue to build our lives around one another. But that doesn’t mean other people aren’t included, nor does it mean that it isn’t hard. We grew up together and into each other, we tended to our connection and flourished despite the circumstances. We went to couples therapy, gotten into arguments and navigated challenging feelings together.

I am painfully aware of what it’s like to feel like I can’t contribute to my household, and to feel so dependent on T. My disabilities mean that he acts as a de facto caretaker, and has for the majority of our relationship. He plays multiple roles in our life management and for that, I’m wholly grateful. But god, I’m so lucky he loves me and chooses me everyday. After a decade, I’m thankful to have T as a life partner, best friend and part of my family. 🌸✨

This was short and sweet but thank you for putting up with it. I hope you sweethearts are enjoying your Friday xo