newsflash: you’re the villain in someone’s story
i promise this has a point
my ego is impeccably huge.
I’d like to believe that no one talks about me negatively behind my back, and even more so— I have this desire for people to adore me, or at the very least, like me.
to the point where i think it’s well deserved, but i also remember the trail of broken relationships i left in my wake, and remind myself that even though i am a different person— my actions still hurt someone to the point where all they want is to spew poison about me. and while it sucks to come to that realisation, it simply makes sense.
i made a similar connection with the deities, planets and spirits that i work with— we don’t all get along, and they are not infallible. and yes, the ethereal feel more godly and superior: they ultimately succumb to their own desires and whims and must suffer the consequences for their actions later.
if gods can even suffer from their mistakes, humans are even messier: so why should i be surprised when it hurts me so much.
i think a lot of my peers underestimate me.
i do have a tendency to take up a conversation because silence is uncomfortable, but i listen and notice.
when shit talking ever took place, my hypocritical ass always saw things as a binary: there was no room for a spectrum— you were a terrible person if you talked smack about a trusted friend or colleague.
but i’ve also learned discernment in the process. sometimes people do fucked up things to each other; and a lot of times it feels personal because how could they hurt us? honestly: a lot of people aren’t thinking about that in the moment they break someone’s heart— they’re mostly focused on self-preservation.
it’s frustrating though. 1:1 relationships are so tender, fragile and fraught. how is it that we can be so individualistic as humans? in either case: I’ve grown to understand how unique we are. how, at our core, we must treat ourselves as sacred.
i know I’ve hurt others.
through my avoidance, dodging of uncomfortable situations, through evasion of hard truths. it’s just hard to explain and justify when you continually hurt someone else due to your own selfishness. sometimes it’s not even selfishness— it is the act of saving one’s self through a desperate action.
but this is how I came to understand that someone, somewhere will call you the villain in their story. just like some spirits and gods appear to be infallible— they aren’t. they are complex, just like us, so why aren’t we treating our bodies and ourselves with the same divinity? no, we aren’t gods, but we are still worth saving through our own actions.
part of growing up, as one of my wonderful mentors (amaya rourke) has stated in this thread, involves the realisation that part of your story involves you being the toxic one, and you being the person that has damaged someone and hurt others, but that acknowledging it helps with easing and healing the wounds.
of course, the damage is very real to the people you’ve hurt. but the fact of the matter is: you are not them. it stings when people no longer want to talk to me because of the fights we’ve had, or transgressions against them— but it makes sense. who am i to assign forgiveness to myself when i wasn’t the person experiencing it? even though my actions could be justified, i’ve grown to accept that the impact was much greater than the intent.
i do not pretend that the world exists solely in binaries. the complexities of being alive, our existence in this world, truly means that we have to relate to one another. rules aren’t always made to be followed, so we break them instead. morally, something may lean too far at the end of the spectrum for someone to partake.
i’ve noticed that setting boundaries in an age that is so accustomed to liminality often sends my community into a panic. we are imperfect beings, we cannot expect to be at our best. there’s a fine balance as we teeter towards this individualism and selfishness that americans are taught, and our desire for the greater good of our society. i’m not surprised we are indoctrinated with mixed messages: there is no one single dharma to which society adheres.
so yes, growing up includes learning that your own desires and needs will ultimately conflict with someone else’s. maybe a whole microcosm of people’s needs. and therefore, self-preservation would mean hurting someone else.
i’ve worked on myself over the last couple years. especially over the course of my saturn return. and it’s still difficult to manage expectations, communicate effectively, and try my best to understand others in order to relate to them.
sometimes that means looking back in order to move forward.
if we cannot accept and take responsibility for the pain we’ve caused, we will never learn and remain stuck in our own cycle of mistakes and mishaps.
if we cannot forgive ourselves first,
how can we learn to forgive others who have hurt us, and will hurt us in the future?