love is liberation

even with the sense of impending loss, love anyway.

Photo by Shaira Dela Peña on Unsplash 

note: i wrote part of this on my instagram, and it’s expanded upon here 🙂 thanks.

love is an act of liberation

falling in love is one of the ✨greatest joys✨one can experience in this world.

non-monogamy teaches me a lot. it’s shown me that opening yourself up to any sort of love or relationship also means accepting and opening yourself up to not just the possibility of loss, but the inevitability of it. whether that be literal or metaphorical, everything ends.

& that’s okay because nothing stays the same. shapeshifters exist in us. even in microdoses, there’s something that shifts within us. we are never the same person at any one time. who i am in this exact moment is not who i was five minutes ago. the act of relating to another person, spirit, part of nature or a guide/god is inherently difficult due to the compromise required. in this process, it means loss is inevitable. not everyone will want to bend to the whims of the changes i desire.

over the last decade, i’ve had some very painful moments of losing people I loved dearly— some of these in a physical sense (like my dearly departed ancestors) and some more so figurative or metaphorical. it wasn’t for a lack of trying, but not every relationship you pursue works out for the better.

i choose to love anyway. i persist in love because the rewards are worth the aches and pain i might inevitably feel. death is the ultimate form of goodbye, but it’s also an adventure and honouring our dead is an act of love. the world doesn’t stop spinning after loss. sometimes we do, but we persist because it’s worth it. the love we share with another doesn’t just die— it changes shape into something new, and even better than before. we, ourselves are constantly changing, and sometimes i mourn the ways my flesh vessel and personality have aged over time.

& you don’t have to say it to feel it

while 30 isn’t old by any means, i’ve lived long enough to feel the pain of loss and what it means to relate to someone else in an extended manner. to share intimacy over time means compromise, but it also means learning how to navigate around the other person’s traumas and heartache. my therapist tells me often that “no one leaves childhood unscathed,” and it’s true.

there are times when the words “i love you” catch themselves in my throat and i can’t release them out in the way i desire (even though i truly mean it, and want to say them.) conversely, i throw those words out into the world half-heartedly to convey a sense of appreciation and gratitude to someone when it doesn’t merit the weight of the word itself. as ludwig wittgenstein says, “the limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” but sometimes the limits of my language actually represent the boundaries on my trauma, the fear i’m actively processing and trying to escape.

so instead, i try to show up the best that i can.

my precious chosen family and loved ones reflected to me recently how generous i am with my time. time is so limited and a gift, and therefore— if i fuck with you, i’m going to invest in this precious commodity (time) on you. my actions speak louder than words ever will. the concept of love languages seems silly because that’s a part of everyone’s world. i love giving gifts and love receiving them, but i also adore when someone spends time with me. i often joke that my love language(s) include running someone a bath, treating them to a meal, and bringing over my dog(s) for some comfort and cuddling.

so amidst the pain…

love anyway.

loving is the most radical act you can do in this world,

simply because of the inevitable loss one might feel.

love anyway. love out loud. lead with love.

what ways do you show love?