a little love letter from me to me
a word vomit-esque delight involving the slow inevitable mental breakdown I’ll have soon
to all versions of me (past present & future)—
grief is a fucking process.
maybe the thing that’s dead isn’t really a person, it’s a concept. or maybe the person is still alive, but they’re out of your life now. either way: it sucks. it feels all-consuming when you’re in the swells of it, and you keep blaming yourself for hypotheticals that would never come true. and yet, we can still honour that and the love that once was.
i know it feels painful right now.
but it’s temporary and it passes. you’ve been alive long enough to have witnessed it yourself multiple times over. with ideas, with dreams, with family members, with lovers, with friends. sometimes it’s your fault, sometimes it’s theirs. most times it’s somewhere in the middle. humans are complex, fallible and unpredictable creatures. just because others don’t take and command language the same way you do, does not mean that you are not exempt to this edict.
remember when you were so concerned with leaving scars and marks on others before reluctantly letting them go? and now you know that you’re more concerned with others leaving their impressions on you, and not in a good way. it hurts now, but you also know that someone who makes the conscious decision to leave good, real love over possibility isn’t one you want to keep in your life.
untangling yourself from another entity is messy. feelings get hurt, people prioritise themselves. remember that it’s not always about you. you did not fail at this: you did the best you could, and you were authentic in your emotions.
this pain comes from love. it means that you loved so much, you opened yourself up to the possibility of heartache. entering into good relations with someone means a fine balance of responsibility for the other person’s wellbeing, as well as your own. you cannot keep tending to a sacred fire meant for you two when there are other flames they’re still trying to fan to a full roar.
it’s ok to be sad about it and mourn the loss of something that was beautiful.
it’s acceptable to send boundaries and not give any more than you need to for self preservation.
i love you. remember that.
you’ve got this.
x,
me